Scared

The pallies are here for an introductory talk. They like to get to know the patient. Background, attitude, health, I don't know... getting to know me... and deb as my carer.

We chat:

This is me, deb, the pally doc and nurse.

Lots of talk. A bit of the usual physical, testing grip, sensation, recent physical, mental changes, whatever.

I guess it all goes into notes for the people on the 24 hour phone line. And to prepare other pallies for future visits. Pallies will drop by, perhaps weekly. It may not be the same two.

Exactly how it will work... I'm still working it out. Deb will have more ideas, she listens better. And can ask.

It's all a learning experience... my main takeaway is: knowledgeable and accessible support for deb.

Oh, yes, scared...

Somewhere in the chat I mutter, I'm scared.

I mutter but it is not missed.

Did you say that you are scared?

The pally role includes offering comfort.

I can tell that if I want to discuss my being scared, they will. Possibly offer good support, too.

The best I can do is... nod, shake my head, shrug non-committally.

If I tried to talk -- I would choke up. Possibly cry.

Am I scared? Yes. Why? Impossible for me to understand, let alone explain.

I am almost guaranteed a continuation of 99% painless cancer. Actual death is almost certain to be a painless drift to sleep, unaware when I fail to wake up.

I don't expect, certainly don't fear, an afterlife.

I've had plenty of time to get used to the idea of my dying.

If there's nothing after death then there is nothing to be scared of.

Perhaps I am scared that there *will* be something?

I think about that...

No... I'm so smug, so egotistical... so interested in the process:

If dying involves a light, if death includes an afterlife... I'm looking forward to analysing it, understanding it... in my own way.

Scared of the unknown? No. Nervous, okay -- but the unknown is just something new to be known.

Scared is the best word for how I feel.

I don't think that discussion would help.

So, back to my standard approach... deal, with it, accept it. Don't let it get me down. In particular, try not to let it turn into something that will hurt deb.

Wow! That sounds noble:-)

It's not. It's just the way that I deal with life. And, now, death.

This post is really difficult to write.mostly because I don't understand it myself. Having written, I feel better. But still can't explain why I'm am scared.

Oh well.

My body is a temple to health and fitness.
but there is a devil-worshipper in the temple: notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com :-)