Soon tired

I've spent 30 or 40 hours awake.

Not wide awake but restlessly... not wanting to sleep.

Not sleep solidly, anyway.

Now look, I think I'm right.

I've just woken up, sitting on the couch. Almost 1 a.m. I feel ... as though I have come out of confusion. As though my mind is now clear.

Of course it could be that I am *now* confused.

Whatever :-) this is what I believe that I shall remember...

I am tense. Frightened. nervous.

I am home, no pain. Strangely happy.

The absolute truth is... I am at home because I (and Deb) have chosen that I will die at home.

Die.

A very easy decision to make.

Not easy to decide to die, no. But at home... not locked in a hospital. Not locked in even the most pleasant of palliative palaces... at home is the place to be.

For that, my main concern is (1) my own immediate comfort. Then to make it as easy as possible for the family... for Deb in particular.

Yes. As I type this I think. I feel. Yes... that feels correct.

Perhaps I shall label these last few days as...

Delayed and  denied ... post traumatic shock.

It also feels... to me... as though that could be close enough to being correct.

==

Either that or... I'm now inventing a state of mind which allows me to explain, with minimum embarrassment, why its late, I'm tired, I'll soon get to bed.

Hey, my blog. I think I'm close to truth. So,

I spend a week coping.

Looking... perhaps... as though I am coming to terms with my impending death.

Death. I wanted to type demise. A softer word. And clever use of language... just my style, for writing.

A few days of looking as tho I am coping.

In fact... a few days of... dealing with... less consciously... the shock of having a deadly cancer... now growing in the part of my brain where it will finally do its long intended work of killing me.

Look... don't worry about me.sometimes I like to talk, to 2rite. I try to get as much truth as possible into this blog... it really helps me.emotionally, at least.

And even saying good morning takes, for me... a lot of words.

Each word feels true... or else I would not type it. Feels true but, is it? Each word feels true, yes.

It also feels as though each word is... taking me closer to a true *understanding*

Ohhh is *that* how I really feel?!

One of the great *mental and emotional* pleasures of my life, is to (think that i) understand people

 its easier... and sometimes simpler, to understand myself. Easier access to data, for one thing.

I wake up. Middle of the night. Alone. A bit... not confused but...

Hang on... is that clarity?

It feels like an epiphany. It feels right.brilliant!

I feel as though I have reached below the cover of my mind and found... wow... that is so fascinating... possibly even clever?

Whatever. It feels correct. To me.

Whether I'm expressing me y self at all sensibly... doesn't matter.

Crawling after the truth -- and I may have uncovered a small and unexpected nugget.

It feels good. Clever.

Don't worry...

There are plenty of words still to come :-) ... in later posts.

Has all this wordy... groping for truth... scared off both my readers? Doesn't worry me.

I'm happy.

The blog is, as usual... working.

half blind. half deaf. dying of cancer.
so what?
notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com :-)

Dr Nick Lethbridge
Consulting Dexitroboper