Can I write a Short post?!

Just after midnight, 7th September

This post is for friends like Colin, who think I'm strong, and Roger, who has actual pain...

I'm dying. Perhaps fifty years sooner than I planned! But my life has okay -- no major disasters. Perhaps not as "successful" as I would have liked. But 65 years of acceptable, with some excellent highlights... More than 40 years of an excellent marriage, for example :-) I'd like more -- especially of the marriage -- but can't change the facts. Not so much "strong" as... resigned.

And since I really am dying -- it's exactly as I have always wanted to die. I have no pain. None at all! (Of course, that may change.) Not even uncomfortable, really. A bit tired. Best of all -- I have some remaining time. The thought of dying suddenly, is horrible. As Deb will tell you: I *must* have the last word :-) And here I am, with perhaps a year in which to have the last word... Brilliant :-)

No, I don't want to die. Ever. But there is no choice. My only strength is to accept the inevitable. (While screaming and fighting and resisting to the bitter end!!) And there is no -- physical -- pain. If there is, be assured that I shall cry like a baby. But... so far, so good.

I'm surrounded and supported by a loving family. Getting support and sympathy from great friends. Being treated by the best possible medical staff. Already back at home, comfortable in familiar surroundings.

What more could I want? Other -- of course -- than at least 50 more years of a happy and healthy life :-)  Win some, lose some.

I'm "strong" because it's easy. My only challenge is... to accept (or possibly deny) the inevitable. Good attitude on the outside. Cursing, resisting, refusing to bow down to the inevitable, on the inside. Inside, I'm all 1984 double-think: I'm accepting the inevitable. While -- at the exact same time -- refusing to accept the inevitable.

Never asking, Why me? Just thinking, Let's make the most -- the best, even -- of whatever is left.

Of course all this may change. I expect -- I have instructed -- my family to tell me if I start to be a pain in the... neck. Friends are welcome to do the same. Whether I respond to suggestions, is questionable.

But for now: I happy, disappointed, keeping busy, feeling well. With a vague worry that I may lose capability, understanding, attitude. But that is not yet.

Today I am well. And -- since it seems that I do have to die -- I am glad of my particular dying circumstances. It could be -- it may be -- worse. But today, it's just another day on life's usual path to eventual and unavoidable death.

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Today -- well, yesterday, Wednesday -- was active! After more than a week of just lying around, we went out.

It's extra nice to wake up at home :-) Not too early, just enjoying a slow start in our own home. Then up for breakfast.

Deb & I go shopping! To the local fruit&veg. It's close, it provides most of what we want. I wear a hat -- so as not to scare other shoppers. I can't see the scar on the back of my head. Apparently it's long and rather obvious. I stroll round with Deb, pushing the shopping trolley, leaning on it as required.

Later, after lunch and a sleep: We drive to Bold Park. I walk slowly round a lake, twice. Perhaps 40 minutes, a couple of kilometers? Deb runs past me, several times.

The weather is beautiful. I have no trouble walking. I watch my surroundings -- to assure myself that I am not walking unconscious... I only have occasional flashes of memory from the fun run. An added bonus of being out and awake: we spot a family of eight very cute ducklings :-)

Then home. To rest a bit more.

===

I spend a few hours, mostly after dinner, preparing to hand over the rogaine newsletter editorship. It's simple enough but time-consuming. I prepare a good-enough-to-go-out version and decide that, that is enough. More work needs to be done but not by me. Sorry :-(

I email the done work. There's more still to be sent. What is not yet sent is of less immediate relevance (I hope). It can wait till other rogainers decide who will want to take over. One task now as good as, done :-)

Deb has gone to bed. I am heading off to bed. Tomorrow afternoon we see the neurosurgeon. I expect no change in prognosis. Just a plan to attempt delay and mitigation. And I plan to do -- exactly what I am told.

All a part of the exciting -- unexpected -- unwanted -- experience of brain cancer. I'm not at all pleased. But ... it's happening anyway.

Today, has been good.

=== Can I write a Short post? Noooo...

... Goodnight :-)

====

Now much more than a clever name for a holiday journal:

 https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com.au/  :-)

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Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper
Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved
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​"To get others to believe in you, you must first believe in yourself. And the dumber you are, the easier that is. Which is why there are so many dumbbells in powerful positions." … Cats with Hands