it's all relative

Being -- for some reason -- of a morbid frame of mind, I ask myself: how would I like to die? And the answer is -- given that I do have to die and I now know, roughly, from what cause: I am dying in the best possible way.

So far -- after recovering from major brain surgery -- I feel physically fit though a bit tired. And I'm mentally alert. (Or, no-one is telling me that I am not. That's good enough for me.) I am in the best possible state in which to prepare for future problems.

Many problems of a month ago -- some of which kept me awake... occasionally... at night -- are no longer relevant. Not solved, perhaps. Simply too far ahead to worry about :-) My deadline is real: if I miss the deadline, *my* problems disappear.

Deb will have problems. I know that she will cope. And I know that our children will be there -- whenever, if ever, needed. Or not there, if that is what Deb needs. There's a lot that I hope to prepare -- to make life easier for Deb's future. But I know that, if I miss anything, it will be dealt with anyway.

As an example: we are not and have never been in a situation which I would class as financially threatened. Not rich, not poor, just comfortable. By our own standards, that is. (We do try to set our standards to match what we actually have!) Sometimes challenged... but never under financial threat. And if I'm mistaken in that -- there's always the kids... :-)

I have time to prepare for death. To prepare myself, to help prepare for others. Sure, if I had died suddenly, that would no longer worry me. But my still-living preference is, to die with enough time to... say goodbye. Goodbye to family, friends, places, things... to this living existence. And I have that time. Of course if the available time is suddenly cut short -- again, I'll be dead, I won't care :-)

We know a woman who, effectively, went to bed as a wife and mother, woke up as a widow with orphaned children. With no warning. That was the result of a car crash: sudden, unexpected, fatal.

If I did have a choice, I would choose to die the way in which I am dying. Not necessarily *too* slowly... I have some fear of my future degeneration. But I have full knowledge that I am dying. That others are not. That I can prepare myself for my own death -- the final great adventure of my otherwise not very spectacular (though enjoyable) life.

I did not choose the timing for my end point. (I would have chosen, "not now thanks".) I have had no choice in the cancer which is pushing me towards that end point. But I am completely satisfied that... there are many ways in which I would rather *not* die. Very low on my list of preferences would be, suddenly, in a car crash. Even worse if the crash were caused by someone else.

Of course, that's just *my* preference. Still. Please drive carefully :-)

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Now much more than a clever name for a holiday journal:

 https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com.au/  :-)

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Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper
Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved
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​"There are two ways of seeming strong; to build yourself up or to throw all others down. But only one of these is truly a way of being strong." Maniye Many Paths, per Adrian Tchaikovsky