No warning symptoms? Perhaps I was wrong!

Just after 1am, Wednesday 6th Sep. I wake up for an as-usual trip to the toilet. And remind myself of the time and date -- to reassure my inner nurse with responsibility for cranial op patients :-)

But wait, there's more: I realise that I may have spent several weeks ignoring an early warning of my growing brain tumour.

At this point I need to tell myself: ignoring the symptom does *not* affect the ultimate outcome. If I don't believe that then I need to consider kick-self, slap-forehead and even, regrets for my own stupidity. As far as I know -- from Wikipedia-level reading -- an earlier tumour removal would have prevented my falling over in the fun run. But death -- "early" death -- would still be just one or two years into my future.

I hope that's true :-) I'll need to raise it with Mr Lam on Thursday.

So, warning symptom:

I wake up for my as-usual, middle of the night, trip to the toilet. Sit up, walk, wee, walk back to bed. And notice something...

For the last few months I have been extra careful. I wake up, sit up -- and pause for a few seconds. I know my blood pressure is low, even lower than in the past. So I always -- barely thinking about it -- spend a few seconds sitting on the edge of the bed. Before I finish standing up. Just to avoid feeling extra wobbly as I walk.

Tonight, as per current habit, I wake, sit, pause, stand, walk, wee, return -- and notice that my walking is more steady than I expect. Even with the various pauses, I had needed to step carefully. Place each foot carefully. Occasionally -- very, very occasionally -- I would put out a hand towards a wall, for balance. Tonight: a noticeably *steady* step back to bed!

I walk cautiously -- as per current habit -- back to bed. And realise that there is no need for extra caution... Or, at least, no *feeling* that I need to step cautiously. There is no wobble. No sway. No need to put out a hand for balance. Which I interpret:

I spent a few months with extra-low blood pressure, at least to the brain. Thinking it was a result of age, extra running training, whatever. Even twenty (or more) years ago I have had times when I could stand up -- any time of day or night -- and feel a bit dizzy. I've always blamed it on a sedentary life leading to a pause as the body adjusts blood flow from long periods of sitting, to sudden vertical activity.

Was the recent bout of "just my usual low blood pressure" in fact a symptom of reduced blood pressure ... in the brain?! Blood flow being blocked by a growing tumour? An early symptom of my brain cancer?!

Of course it was!

Of course it was, until I get a second opinion. But I've never been wrong before :-) so why should I be wrong on this...

I lie in bed while I think this through. Then sit up, stand up, with barely a pause. Carefully, of course :-) But trying to avoid the habitual pause. Walk to the stairs, down the stairs. Make a cup of tea, blog my latest... All without feeling the need to place my feet extra carefully! I just walk. Normally.

Well, well, well.

So I seem to have had a couple of months' of warning, that "something" is wrong with my blood flow. Something which causes lower blood pressure. Inside the brain, my centre of balance, at least.

Hmmm. My recent GP check-up showed all normal. Was that "normal" lower than my previous normal? Disguised by my regular and slightly increased level of running exercise? Or was brain blood pressure hidden because blood pressure is measured on the arm...

Questions, questions, questions...

But right now, I'm happy: I did have an early warning symptom of a growing brain tumour. And I ignored it. Until it knocked me off my feet.

Yet long-term it makes no difference -- I hope. But -- lonely reader -- take note. Any change could be significant :-)  Looking back to an earlier signature quote: "We must learn from our past mistakes so that we can improve our new mistakes." Done.

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But what about the rest of the day, the rest of Tuesday and most of Wednesday?

I came home! Yippee! But before that... screen waves as we travel back in time...

I have a visit from SJoG Pastoral Care. Nice man. I say, Thanks but no thanks. (This sounds familiar. Have I already posted it? Too bad.)

I've had a few friends and family say that they will pray for me. For recovery from my tumour that is, not in an effort to save my immortal but irretrievably damned soul :-) My friends and family are far too nice to mention the need to redeem my soul.

I am grateful for the offer of prayers. I am pleased, with a vague feeling that prayers may help. It's a psychological thing, not at all spiritual. (Though I'm willing to be proven wrong, on the spiritual thing.) So thank you, prayer is a very "practical" form of sympathy. I appreciate the thought and it may help, it certainly does not hurt.

My attitude to the potential existence of a being to whom you can pray, that is more complex. Religious people may wish to skip a few paragraphs.

A supreme being who exists above and beyond our mortal experience? Who insists on belief which depends on the impossibility of proof of existence? I doubt it. But -- without the ability to prove -- I see no way to deny, either. And no *reason* to deny. I *choose* to have no strong -- publicly expressed -- opinion. Either way.

A supreme being who insists on absolute obedience? A supreme being who insists on absolute obedience on the grounds of, I created you? No, sorry, that -- in my opinion -- is wrong. Absolutely wrong.

Absolute might is not absolute right. The more power you have, the more responsibility you have to use the power "the right way". And that -- in the opinion which I choose to hold :-) -- involves discussion with the less powerful. How would you like to be treated? Followed by consideration of their choices. Not necessarily freedom of choice. But at least consideration -- and explanation -- and regular revisits to the discussion.

But I'm your Father, you *must* obey me! Even worse...

I'm a father. Do I know everything? No way! I'm not a paragon of all virtues. I'm more of an object lesson. I hope that my children look at me -- and do better. Hey, usually I'm right :-) But my own children could still look, learn -- and do so much better. (btw: They do :-)

Supreme beings -- or their spokespeople -- have spent millennia supporting absolute obedience, cruelty, death and war. A lot of other stuff is good, good for the overall success of humanity. But that is no argument for absolute obedience. Good is good but cruelty, death and war are not -- not always -- good. (You can see I'm ambivalent... I can accept that "good" is both absolute... and dependent on circumstance. I'm always right... but flexible.)

There may be a supreme being. Absence of proof is not proof of absence. Whether or not, I see no need to obey. Especially not to obey the second-hand claims of speakers for the supreme being. No need to deny, either. Nor to disobey. I choose to direct my own moral compass. With a preference for, the greatest good for the greatest number. Usually.

Yet I am still grateful -- very grateful -- for offers of prayers on my behalf. (And for my family, while you're at it? Thank you.)

Thank you.

==== end of spiritual opinion

I also have a visit from the hospital general manager. Is everything okay? he asks. Could we do anything better? To me, the care has been nothing but excellent. With some variations, perhaps worth noting.

I started in Sir Charles Gardner Hospital, a public hospital. Then transferred -- purely for the more immediate operation -- to the private St John of God Hospital. My wife decided, I transferred :-)

I mention the food. SCG food was pre-op, clear, bland, never enough. SJoG food is real food, good, bland, never enough. I'm used to eating food with "extras": unneeded fat, salt, sugar, carbs... no wonder my bowels are under-worked in hospital, my body is not going to waste a scrap of nourishment.

This is not a complaint, just an observation. I'm not suffering. I passed a set of scales -- on a circuit of the corridors -- and I weigh exactly the same as usual. If there's a complaint it's just from my under-worked taste-buds.

I mention the food to the hospital manager. But casually... because I'm thinking, Here's a man who should be on a hospital diet. Eating "just enough" could be very good for his figure. I'm too polite to say this aloud. If you're reading this: please take it as a helpful suggestion, not any form of negative criticism... Your body, your choice :-)

On the other hand -- as I type this post -- I remember another difference between SCG and SJoG: the nurses.

All of the nurses -- at both hospitals -- are brilliant! Kind, caring, helpful, dedicated, etc, etc... No matter how many positives I list -- there are more! Yet there are also -- perceived -- differences.

At SCG the nurses all, each and every one, give an impression of dedication, care, expertise, experience. Could be because I'm nearer to emergency, still pre-op, actually getting care and attention from more senior nurses. From nurses with a very similar -- very high -- level of experience and expertise.

At SJoG I see -- or imagine -- a range of nursing experience and ability. Nurses come with varying levels of expertise. They know this, they are graded, one nurse will call another for help with a procedure which is "beyond their pay grade". There is, for example -- and I hope this nurse was really at SJoG, not SCG!! -- the night nurse who made me think, Her special skill is to stay awake all night.

So there is, I see -- or imagine -- a different in range of nursing skills between the two hospitals. The public hospital nurses have an overall higher level of expertise. The private hospital employs a broader range of experience, with care to match expertise to responsibility.

This could all be in my imagination... or in my awareness, at different stages of my treatment. And my treatment is -- at all times -- absolutely excellent. With one minor observation:

At SCG a nurse commented that she *must* stay and watch me -- until I have actually swallowed each and every one of my pills. At SJoG I am given pills then, often enough, left alone to swallow them.

I suspect two reasons for this difference. (1) At SJoG I am recovering, more self-aware, regularly tested for responsive consciousness. At SCG I am still groggy, less dependable. And (2) The general SCG patient is less dependable... Drawn from a wider range of the population. Not filtered on the ability to earn enough money for a private hospital, not filtered on their ability to "obey simple instructions".

My changing situation. Different variety of patient abilities and willingness to do as told. Absolutely brilliant levels of care across both hospitals.

Thank you!

===

So that's almost two hours of verbose blogging... Time for more sleep? Ahhh... may as well catch up with the present...

A quick check: I've covered the visit by Jenny the urologist. Some time in the future I hope to really enjoy having my balls felt by a professional. Ah well, nice in memory. Dinner, bland, very enjoyable. And home, at last :-)

Deb drives me home -- such a pleasure! I'm a terrible -- nervous -- passenger. Deb is extra careful. I enjoy the drive. I especially enjoy that I am with Deb. Ah, shucks :-)

Home. Misty the cat says hello. Briefly. Then goes back to sleep.

We sit, we chat, we read, we relax. Both of us -- Deb & me, that is, I can't tell with the cat -- are much happier to have me at home.

Several *mugs* of tea and coffee. None of these tea-cup sized drinks where I'm left wanting more. Home food! Excellent food... Not that I can remember what I ate.

Though I do remember thinking that the tea and coffee -- and whatever food I ate -- is still a bit tasteless. Could be that hospital drugs have damped some taste receptivity. On the other hand: I am more aware of some smells. After days in sterile hospitals my nose is extra-sensitive.

Wednesday lunch is pleasantly tasty. Dinner is... delicious! Ah, home-cooked food, my favourite.

And Nurse: my bowels are back in full action! I'm eating enough -- including, if I'm correct, my usual levels of "extra" food -- I'm eating enough to have a regular flow-through of unneeded bulk.

Which is exactly when the phone rings.

I had phoned, left a message for my GP. When my older brother fell over with a calcified aorta, I went to the GP for a check-up. A new (to me) GP. After twenty or more years of being "my" GP -- after perhaps ten visits in total -- my GP retired. So I listed with Dr Susan Petterson, my wife's GP.

A female doctor? No worries. I don't have any embarrassing diseases. So I said, several times. Wrongly...

Anyway. The doc has been getting reports from one or two hospitals. Time to explain the situation. I phone, leave a message. As soon as my bowels start moving -- the phone rings.

Nurses are always asking about bowel and bladder movements. Deb answers the phone and stalls. I decide that a GP does not need to get all the latest about... movements.

So we chat about a brain tumour. The doc is concerned. My key thought is, Thank goodness I was checked by a GP. I was able to believe -- through a week of medical emergency -- that I was very fit and healthy. All systems running well -- except for the brain, which is trying to kill me. Trying but failing -- for now -- because I know that I am otherwise fit and healthy.

One action item -- update my GP -- off my to-do list :-)

===

There's lots more to be done. From passing on responsibility for the rogaine newsletter, I've done a lot towards that. To telling people the real situation. They will get the effect of my own preference, to "know" so that I can ask for more information, if I want to. Practical matters, such as future bill payments, subscriptions, whatever may need doing that would normally be done by me.

There's a holiday half booked, I'll need to cancel that -- especially the bit where I'm registered to run a half marathon up and down a NZ mountain :-) I'll cancel the run. Will I need to cancel the entire holiday? Depends a lot on Mr Lam's "suggestions". Need to remember to ask.

I start a list. Post a "STAR" summary. It works for job applications, seems suitable, other people can check R, the Result. Emails, phone call. Go to bed.

Wake up... realise that I missed an early warning symptom! And spend several hours blogging... Which stops my mind keeping me awake, churning thoughts. Once it's written, it's out of my immediate thoughts, I will relax.

A quick proof read. Then back to bed. Hopefully -- still not excessively dizzy :-)

Goodnight! for now...?!

====

Now much more than a clever name for a holiday journal:

 https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com.au/  :-)

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Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper
Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved
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​"To get others to believe in you, you must first believe in yourself. And the dumber you are, the easier that is. Which is why there are so many dumbbells in powerful positions." … Cats with Hands