Thursday lunch
It's surprising how much I can ignore. Feelings, I mean. The less obvious feelings behind my enjoyment -- really! -- and occasional lesser enjoyment -- of life. The weather is fine. I'm the centre of attention amongst family and, perhaps, friends :-) I get tired more quickly than, say, a month ago. Otherwise I feel... very well.
Today I realise that my feelings... moods... are not entirely stable. There has been a steady improvement -- a series of steps "up" -- in at least one area.
Two months ago I drove -- mostly alone -- from Perth to Kununurra and back again. That's more than 6,000 km. Two weeks ago, I walked along a hospital corridor. With a physiotherapist at my side, to make sure that I did not stumble. Today I went out to lunch -- without my wife to look after me.
Doesn't seem like much?
Yet I have this tremendous feeling that I am... regaining my independence.
Yes, today I was picked up by a friend. We enjoyed lunch in a cafe. The friend drove me home. (Thank you, Colin :-) But... he is a friend... not family. I'm not sure if there is any sense in my appreciation of the difference, family or friend. Sense or not, I have a tremendous feeling that lunch today is a major step on my return to... independence.
Okay, Deb is not likely to let me drive to Kununurra -- by myself -- ever again! But... today feels like a major step on the path "towards" independence.
So here are the stages on the progress towards regaining -- some -- independence. They were, I hope, blogged as they happened. It's just that today, I realise how much I appreciate that the steps are, in fact, "progress". A series of steps... forward:
... I wake up in a hospital emergency ward. No, I'm not moving under my own power.
... I'm able to walk, carefully, short distances. Usually to and from the toilet.
... I walk, slowly, a lap or two around the hospital corridor. Accompanied by a physiotherapist, to watch and note that I step somewhat hesitantly.
... I walk several laps around that same corridor -- alone! Carefully, less hesitantly, always within sight (or hearing) of a nurses' station.
... I'm driven home! I'm walking short distances, carefully. Not allowed to drive myself, so Deb drives. I'm free :-) Under the watchful eyes of family.
... There are no instructions to keep me under *constant* supervision... So Deb does... whatever... and I am left -- alone, to putter round the house. Trusted to "look after myself" but I promise to keep the mobile phone close by. At all times.
... I walk -- all by myself -- just over a km to a shop. And back again... No worries! Though I email Deb with a status report, just before I head out and as soon as I get back. But it's reassurance rather than necessity.
... We drive to an orienteering event... Progress? Yes: the event is out of town. There is no fear that I will be "too far away from medical emergency services".
... We go shopping. Deb drives but I push a trolley, walk to and fro to fetch odd items. No fear of falling though it is tiring. Probably the excitement rather than actual exercise.
... And then I am picked up and we go out to lunch. Picked up by a friend! (Possibly a nervous friend :-) And it's hard to explain, but... I really feel that this is a *major* step in the direction of independence!
Today I realise -- consciously -- that my condition -- or my situation -- is improving. Lunch out feels like a significant step. It *feels* like a significant step. Earlier improvements may have been significant. Today, I notice :-)
And in steps still to come:
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Well, I wonder what happened there?! I missed some "steps", typed them up as a "comment". Pressed Preview -- and the comment simply disappeared. Oh well. The thing is, I missed a few "future" steps. So here they are, as an update to the original post:
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Tomorrow, Deb will drop me in town, for a catch-up chat with my brother. Then -- the new step on my way back towards independence -- I will make my own way home. Probably by taxi. And I may ask my brother to watch, to make sure that I actually get into the taxi :-)
This will be a test for about a week later. Deb will drop me off for a PET scan -- and I will make my own way home. This time, I will be able to ask scanner staff to make sure that I do get into the taxi. If I feel that I need it.
In future weeks, I will be having regular treatment. I will be an experienced get-home-by-myself person. Some days -- I will have to get *there* by myself. By myself. With no friendly carer to make sure that I don't... fall over, or forget, or do whatever it is that I could possibly do wrong. Very small steps. Reassuring steps.
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Well, I wonder what happened there?! I missed some "steps", typed them up as a "comment". Pressed Preview -- and the comment simply disappeared. Oh well. The thing is, I missed a few "future" steps. So here they are, as an update to the original post:
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Tomorrow, Deb will drop me in town, for a catch-up chat with my brother. Then -- the new step on my way back towards independence -- I will make my own way home. Probably by taxi. And I may ask my brother to watch, to make sure that I actually get into the taxi :-)
This will be a test for about a week later. Deb will drop me off for a PET scan -- and I will make my own way home. This time, I will be able to ask scanner staff to make sure that I do get into the taxi. If I feel that I need it.
In future weeks, I will be having regular treatment. I will be an experienced get-home-by-myself person. Some days -- I will have to get *there* by myself. By myself. With no friendly carer to make sure that I don't... fall over, or forget, or do whatever it is that I could possibly do wrong. Very small steps. Reassuring steps.
Back on foot: I may walk to the shops *without* before and after status checks. (But I will carry the mobile phone!) I may walk a (very short) orienteering course, by myself. Then -- looking forward to this step -- coffee with another friend. Why is this under "further" progress?
Neither he nor I can -- or allow ourselves to -- drive, so we will be dropped off and picked up. This friend is possibly at least as likely as I am to fall over unexpectedly. Ah, the aging process :-) A partner will, most likely, be close by. Possibly nervous... But:
We will be two old blokes. Each with health and independence which has suffered rather obvious setbacks. We will be "left alone", to chat, to exaggerate illnesses, to solve the problems of the world.
And that, to me, is yet another step on my "progress". Towards independence? Towards confidence, too. And towards reassurance -- for Deb and others -- that she will have plenty of time to ... do whatever she wants to do. Without needing to keep an eye on me.
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I now *notice* that I feel better. That I am making progress. Now that I have *noticed* that I am improving. I am making steps in a good direction.
Physically, I may be recovering. And now that I actually notice that improvement, my mental state is even better.
Ah, progress :-) ... So far, so good and -- now that I actually see it -- my progress is (or feels) ... even better.
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Now much more than a clever name for a holiday journal:
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Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper
Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved
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Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper
Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved
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"Humanity had been thrown to the brink of extinction by insane men in positions of power following one another, each thinking the others knew where they were going." … Donald Keene, in Shift
I look forward to many more lunches. Cheers
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