this could be scary :-(

A bit of a restless evening. Tomorrow, we look after our grandson. The grandson -- the looking after of our grandson -- is an absolute pleasure :-) Exhausting, yes. There are only two of us adults to the one toddler... But the day is always something to look forward to.

Yesterday, when reminded that toddler-watch was to happen on Tuesday, I was a little bit wary. Well, worried that I would not be able to keep up. Not that that would be a real worry. Deb would keep up. More a worry for myself, that I would be too tired to enjoy. Perhaps even tired enough to *not* enjoy :-(

Really, I guess, it was the same nervous edge that I started with on Sunday morning. Meeting with people who were neither family nor medical professionals. People who know that I'm in trouble yet are not ... close enough... to... Well, I'm not sure. I just remember that I was a bit nervous. Yet the morning turned out to go, very well :-)

Okay, getting back to toddler-watching is the same thing, isn't it? It'll be great. Once I'm there.

Yet as Deb goes to bed I'm still a bit worried. And later... I appear to be getting... even more worried.

Why?!

I can handle this! I know I can! I've been handling... the overall situation.. for however long it is since I was told! So, what...?!

An hour playing World of Warcraft. Conscious mind effectively switched off... Suddenly: I realise what has happened.

I realise what has gone *wrong*.

Wavy screen... mystic music... drift back in time. To this -- today -- Monday -- morning...

====

Deb goes to work. I relax. Feeling good, I do a few light household chores. I tiny bit of washing up, kitchen bench wiping, compost burying. Put away here, tidy up there. Feeling almost active, feeling almost useful.

I even walk to the nearest shops! Email Deb first, check a checklist, email Deb when I'm safely home again. It's just a couple of km, I measure it. Though I do think -- even as I leave the shop -- that I wish I'd bought a lighter pack of yoghurt... It's all very satisfying. All very reassuring :-)

A few emails from friends... Building up to actually going out to meet people! All very good.

I see our neighbour in his garden across the road. Upset his day with news of my impending death. He's a nice bloke. Deb will be pleased to know that he is there, as a neighbour who can help -- without any need to quickly explain the situation.

I don't expect that help will be needed. Really, he's just a nice enough bloke, a close enough neighbour, even a friend, that I believe that he would prefer to know.

====

Then there's a phone call from the next doctor. The urologist. She has met with "the team" at Murdoch. There are questions. Perhaps even complications.

 Give me a few moments on the phone. It takes me a while to remember the name... then I can visualise the face. Getting better at this :-) Aha! I remember the hospital visit!

What I really remember is, the doctor's name. And -- in general terms -- her face. I remember that Doctor Jenny wanted to discuss possibilities with her team at Murdoch. And she called the neurosurgeon...

My clearest memory is of the way that both Deb & my son fled the room as the doc said, Do you mind if I just look... down there?

Right, this is "my" urologist :-)

There was the question of, Is the brain cancer related to the testicular cancer? That's why the urologist spoke with the neurologist.

The question is still there.

Over the phone, Doc Jenny tells me that the team has met. Discussed my case. Decided that they really must know -- *before* radiation or chemo for the brain -- just what this testicular cancer is all about.

Is it related to the brain cancer? That would be bad, it would show that my GBM (is that the acronym? I've finally closed the wikipedia page. And promptly forgotten some of what I had read) has spread... Jumped, even. If it is, in fact, the same cancer -- spread -- there is a problem. A serious problem, it seems. A sign of extra aggression, I guess.

Then Jenny mentions something else... Something which was -- I'm happy to accept -- mentioned at our hospital meeting. Yet I have, since then, entirely ignored it:

The various scans have shown... something... spots? Lumps?! -- inside my torso. (No guarantee that it was "torso". I'm using my own word for the area that I understand was being discussed. Sorry! I mean, part of the body area between balls and brain. There may be later corrections.)

Now this is my problem:

I had clearly heard, Brain cancer. Okay, it'll kill me. Can't be helped.

I had clearly heard, Testicular cancer. Okay, that could kill me, too. Except that I will probably be dead -- by brain cancer -- before the testicular cancer gets totally terminal.

My body in between -- I thought -- was surprisingly clear. I had -- I was thinking -- two entirely separate areas of cancer. Well -- physically separated. Sure, there were questions as to whether they had sprung from the same cancerous source. But I was holding to the impression of, So what?! They are now acting independently. The brain will kill me, long before the balls get seriously kicking.

I may have been wrong.

There are "signs" in my torso. Are they the testicular cancer? Already spreading? Hard to tell... I will need to have a "PET" scan.

The PET scan will -- Jenny tells me -- light up testicular cancer like a City of Lights. (No, that's not really her words. I think she may have said something like, Lumps of testicular will show up clearly, in a PET scan.) So we need to do a PET scan.

Okaaaay... another scan... no great worries so far. Except for the "possibilities" of a spreading testicular cancer.

I have been thinking, The brain is the killer. The bad balls will be too late, I will be dead before they spread. I have not considered how or where they may spread. I've been worrying only about brain cancer.

But it seems that testicular cancer spreads. And it prefers to spread -- first -- to the spine. And it looks as though my scanned spots may -- possibly -- be testicular cancer which has already spread. To or towards my spine.

I have a flash of premonition... A flash of a premonition of pain... pain when sitting, when standing, when... well.. doing anything at all which involves my spine. And that sounds painful. Which to me means very, very bad.

Oh.

And the doctors agree that -- if I do have spreading testicular cancer -- then that needs to be treated. *Before* I begin any treatment aimed just at the brain.

Time to line up for a PET scan.

====

Fortunately, that's when I hear Deb arriving home. I pass the phone over. Leave Deb to get the update, get the practical details. Referrals, addresses, whatever.

Which is all very good :-)

Have I mentioned that I am not very good on the phone?

Yes, I listen. I hear and understand most of what I hear. I have a tendency to miss -- perhaps not even think to ask -- for key information. And people's names are very quickly forgotten.

I've been doing a bit of cleaning. I don't even take off the rubber gloves. I make no attempt to find pen and paper, no attempt to take notes.

Which Is why I am glad that Deb has taken over on the phone :-)

===

Welcome home. Exchange of news. Dinner. reading. TV. More to eat. We do the usual "couple in the evening at home" stuff. Deb goes to bed.

I switch off -- or at least distract -- my mind by posting to a blog. Reading. Crossword. World of Warcraft.

Yet all the time, I can feel that I am not entirely happy.

I do want to toddler-watch tomorrow. Yet I am -- for some reason -- reluctant. Uncertain. Worried.

My mind finally reaches its spin cycle... All has been -- with no conscious effort -- analysed, integrated and interpreted. Suddenly I realise.

I am afraid.

===

Brain cancer, I have accepted. Or rationalised. I have my own understanding of how bad it could be. I have accepted all that... Or denied it, or at least realised that  first, I will be "okay". For a while. Before I need to do some serious... suffering?

Now here is something new. Something which will -- or may -- change the whole schedule of my dying. Something which may change the entire not-just-yet schedule which I had quickly internalised. And as far as I can tell, I had dealt with that not-just-yet schedule. At least for now.

My bad ball has changed all the possibilities.

I have spent all afternoon *not considering* any of the possible changes. Worrying, afraid, refusing to consciously consider what new and possibly worse information may be about to be revealed.

What an idiot ! Or, perhaps. What a great way to deal with new -- possibly worse -- news: Consciously ignore it, let the subconscious deal with it. For now.

My subconscious has been processing. Protecting my conscious mind from panic. But enough fear has been leaking through -- to make me worry. It's just that I could not understand just what it was that  was worrying me.

Could not understand? Would not understand. Denied the existence of an extended problem. Until I had absorbed as much as I could... with minimum impact on my conscious worrying.

===

Now I know why I am more uncertain than I "should" be. Not sure if that knowledge makes me feel any better! But I am certain: Now,I am ready to deal with the extended worry.

I hope I can get back to a more ready-to-accept-fate state. I'm sure that a good night's sleep will help :-)

Bugger. This post has taken hours. It's after midnight. Still... I do feel fractionally better (or fractionally less worse :-) for the effort. And for the leap of understanding.

Tomorrow will be fun. If I can wake up on time for toddler-watch :-)

===

And I note: yes, I type stream of consciousness. As usual, when blogging. There are always typos, as usual. But this post -- has been particularly badly typed!

It will need more than the usual effort to tidy up.

If this post reads like Finnegans Wake -- that is, as absolute nonsense -- then forgive me... (And forgive me for the comparison with the Wake. I have never even considered reading it. It's just an apparent gold standard of incomprehensibility.)

If this post proves hard to read... Please forgive me! The new worry -- that my balls may be killing me quicker than I believed -- seems to me to have worried me more than the first news of death by brain cancer.

Perhaps I'd better get a good night's sleep.

After all, the end result will still be death.

The end result is unchanged. Though perhaps the timing will have changed? Nevertheless... I'm still heading for a statistically predictable -- earlier that I anticipated -- death.

Hmmm. I'd better do some more reading. Get some... information, if not facts. Tomorrow.

Or on Wednesday. After an enjoyable day with our grandson :-)

===

aside: When I realised the source of my worry... As I began to type this blog entry... I decided that it was a good time to change the email signature. To a more positive quote.

I've just looked again at that new quote.

I think it immediately helped to lift my mood :-)

True :-)

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Now much more than a clever name for a holiday journal:

 https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com.au/  :-)

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Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper
Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved
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"Today you are You, that is truer than true.  There is no one alive who is Youer than You." … Dr Seuss