In this blog I try to be open, honest, complete. About myself, anyway. My feelings, my thoughts, my detailed -- and overall -- reactions to impending -- sooner-than-anticipated -- death.
WARNING: This post is about sex. Me and sex. Me and sex and my thinking about sex and my current -- and some past -- actual sexual activities. And sexual failures. Are you embarrassed already? I am. Don't worry, the next post will be on a completely different topic.
In three years, one calendar month and a few days -- I will no longer be embarrassed. You -- my reader -- do not have that guarantee. Of course the miracle of the web will allow you to come back in 3+1+n to have another look at this post. So, for whenever you are reading:
If you want to avoid embarrassment: stop reading this post. Now.
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I'm a man. Sex is always on my mind. I'm an average man. Sex is always on my mind, it has always been important, it is not the be-all and end-all of my life. A special interest rather than a driver.
In the last few years, interest has faded. Ability has faded even faster. So much so that I can clearly remember "the last time". (It was great :-)
Then there was a deliberate pause. With declining sexual performance ability, recovery time has increased. General physical exhaustion after "the event" has increased. From hours to... well... I run noticeably slower the next day. And can feel tired, running, for the next few days.
So: no sex -- no sexual activity -- by deliberate choice -- for a week before the fun run. Then not much activity at all, for a few days :-) Followed by gradual physical recovery. Matched by increasing interest in sex. With the -- admittedly still rare -- bodily reaction. (Too subtle? I mean, I would get an erection.)
Until... the decision is made: My right testicle will go. A very personal, very male, Ouch.
There are still thoughts of sex. With absolutely no automatic, physical response. There is still the wish but it could barely be classed as a desire. There is still a vague longing for the pleasure and release of ... well, orgasm. There is absolutely no physical chance. And yes, I have tested.
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Getting older had reduced my interest in sex. From front & centre to regular but manageable. Physical ability reduced faster and further.
Sudden reduction of life expectancy brought my interest down further, to steady but at an even lower level. Physical ability went down to, so rare that it stood out when it stood out.
Impending "radical orchidectomy" has absolutely destroyed my ability to respond physically. Yet the interest has not been affected... Still low but steady. Meaning: Yes, I would love to have sex :-) But an erection is unlikely. And an orgasm ... will never happen.
The interest is still there... Enough so that I hope for some, eventual, recovery of the physical ability. Enough interest that I would definitely enjoy the... attempt... to perform.
But for now, for this week: The right nut has declined offers of a farewell performance. The left nut will consider offers of a solo career. Eventually. Maybe. But neither interest nor ability is guaranteed.
Physically, this is a deficiency but not a real problem. Mentally, I am concerned. But interested rather than worried. Because emotionally... sex has simply been pushed aside. Forever? Who cares!
Life has its ups and downs. My emotional reaction to a physical problem is, to reduce the physical need. I may be thinking that this loss of physical need is a problem. My emotional response is, forget that problem, it's not the real problem.
Emotions rule! Yes, my mind can -- usually -- override my emotions. This time, no way... In fact, I'm feeling happy that emotion is damping the worry. Concern? Yes. Interest? Definitely. But: No worries!
Thank you, illogical emotions :-)
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Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper
Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved
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Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved
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"No matter where you go, there you are." ... Confucius ?
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Now much more than a clever name for a holiday journal:
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