confusion, confession, coping

As we're going to bed last night, I'm feeling a bit low. I know why.

aside: I'm going to try to separate unrelated ideas into separate blog posts. I have two reasons for this particular dip in joie de what vivre is left. (Sorry. Playing with words is what I do :-) The two reasons will -- unless I change my mind -- be in two separate posts. And in reverse order because I think that will work better... for me and for literary elegance...

I know why I am feeling low:

I had effectively dismissed testicular cancer as an immediate concern. It will just be chopped off. And there's plenty of time to chop it off after the more obviously-terminal brain cancer has been treated. Or, perhaps, brain treatment will end with there being no real point in dealing with the balls.

Then the urologist phoned: There is a chance that the testicular cancer *may* have spread. I dredge to the depths of my Wikipedia knowledge. Do I remember reading, that testicular cancer likes to spread to near the spine? Did the urologist say something similar? Spine?! Does this mean possible "pain"?

To steal a line from Blake's 7, I don't really have a "pain threshold". It's more of a smooth flow directly into, Noooooo!!! My worry level rises. Like an earlier worry, I park it with my subconscious for resolution. Leaving my conscious mind with a remnant but uncertain level of concern.

Later: the brain doc (that is, the person who is about to plan a treatment plan for my brain cancer) is reassuring. No, testicular cancer is almost certainly curable. Even if it has spread. First priority is brain treatment. Okay, we need a PET scan but it must be soon, so that we can get on with the brain work.

Now I make several mistakes.

I doubt the brain doc! Not his expertise. Not his accuracy. Perhaps his focus, or his lack of understanding of my putting the possibility of pain ahead of the timing of death... Yes, I sound stupid even as I write that :-)  Worse yet, I don't try to explain. Though I don't think that I could have explained, it took me a while to understand my own source of this relatively new fear.

My next mistake: I go home and park that worry. I should have re-read Wikipedia... and whatever else is available. There's plenty of available information... Not always immediately relevant but I'm usually good at picking out the information -- and inferences -- that I need. Instead, I spend the rest of the day parking & pondering & feeling low about the vague & uncertain possibility of future pain.

Until we go to bed. When I confess my fear to Deb. No, no, not "fear"! Just... still a bit concerned... I'm too tough for fear... :-)

Deb gives me an effective, "Yes dear." Which has long been our accepted shorthand for, "I understand that you have a worry, I'm not sure that I understand it, if I understand it I don't necessarily believe that it's worth worrying about, keep talking because I know that it helps you, I'll offer you the comfort of pretending to listen, I am happy to know that you will keep talking till you're done and that you will not stop until I've provided the level of listening -- or even active response -- that will make you feel better."

And that works :-) It always has :-) Minimum words, maximum benefit: That's one benefit of being in a long-term marriage with a woman that I love :-) (Though I also recognise another side of our marriage: We understand each other so well that we are able to *mis* understand what the other is saying, without having to say a single word.)

And so I sleep, somewhat relieved by the confession of confusion and fear. To wake up less low. Ready to blog -- as above -- and continue the coping. Which will -- if I act to correct my mistakes as now identified -- involve more research and reading.

Having looked at my current fear -- and accepted that it is illogical and, most likely, ridiculously wrong -- I feel better already.

At which happy point, I am ready to post more...

Except that the sun is now up. Deb is now up. I'm not sure of the time (a thought from my previous post, I'd better look at a clock)... It's time for breakfast.

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Now much more than a clever name for a holiday journal:

 https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com.au/  :-)

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Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper
Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved
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​"Today you are You, that is truer than true.  There is no one alive who is Youer than You." … Dr Seuss