Introspection and Analysis

Deb will tell you: I always like to get the last word. In order of priority my fears of death are (a) pain / discomfort, (b) missing out on final words. To be clear, I have no current expectation of death. I'm feeling very well, tired but otherwise as fit as ever. But feeling well has lead me to thinking. And, with my typical modesty, any and all of my thinking is too good to be wasted.

The time is around 5:30am. Sunday 3rd September. Fathers Day :-)

I've been lying awake and thinking. Time to share my thoughts with posterity. Otherwise I'll just keep thinking and continue to waste time -- and thoughts! -- lying awake...

I'm feeling well. I've been to the toilet during the night. No trouble, walking well, no pain. Whatever caused me to fit and fall has been removed -- with no discernible after-effects. (I hope I'm not ranting and raving?!) Mr Lam expects it to grow back.

I see three possible outcomes. Make that four:

1. Death

2. Loss of brain control

3. Loss of intellectual capacity

4. No noticeable change.

1. If I'm dead, I'm dead. I certainly don't want that :-) But if I'm dead, I don't know about it. (Though if I meet Harry Houdini, I'll help him get a message back.) What worries me is the pre-death preparation. Must get in those last words... And I find that my expectation of death is so weak that I'm still too embarrassed to say too much.

Deb: I love you. Take care, miss me a bit, let the boys support you. Boys: I love you, I'm proud of you. Keep an eye on Deb. Continue to do so very well in your lives and work. Girls: I love you, I'm glad you've joined the family. Will: Ah, shucks, a reflection of excellent parents. That's the summary. I fully expect many more years of giving excellent and unwanted advice.

Less immediate family, friends, anyone I know: Hello ! Goodbye :-) Take care. It's been great knowing you all, even if/when we disagree. You can't be right all the time... that's my privilege.

Part of my fear of dying suddenly -- without a chance for getting in the last word: If this blog stops suddenly and you wonder, Has Nick really dropped dead? try contacting Robbie on: rob leth at gmail dot com. I'll also put that in the blog page header. It's a problem with the broad virtual world, What is the truth behind a sudden silence -- or unexpected words -- on the internet?

Casual readers of this blog? Hello ! Take some good advice, add some friendly words, enjoy :-) Sorry if I'm not able to respond...

So that's, If I'm dead. But I'm not. And I don't expect that I will be. Not for quite a few years, anyway.

2. What if I lose brain control?

All this current excitement began with me having a fit and falling over. Knowing now that it's possible, I expect to be watched like a hawk. And scanned by experts. If the actual cause of trouble was the lump, I expect future lumps will be dealt with, well before they cause me to fall over. If I'm wrong... I'll fall over. Sorry, Deb :-(

Perhaps I'll lose some motor skills. Or perception, or ability to do things. That's a worry. No signs so far... so I won't worry about it. But if I do act strangely -- I expect people to tell me. I want to know what I'm doing so that I can enjoy it. Or perhaps even work around any limitations. So tell me! (And no, my *past* actions are all part of "standard". Feel free to comment but don't expect improvement :-)

3. Loss of intellectual capacity. Years ago I realised that if I were less smart, I would be happier. Doesn't mean that I want to be less smart. I'd have to learn to take advice from other people... But still, to be positive: I could lose 40 percentage points of IQ and still be above average. Just :-)

It would be difficult for Deb. You would cope :-) Try not to stress. Depend on support from the boys. And keep telling me what to do! I may even listen. Sometimes. This seems like the worst possible outcome. Keep reminding me to not be too difficult.

4. No noticeable change!? To be honest... this one is my highest expectation. I'm really good on denial :-)

I told Deb yesterday, It's been a good 65 years, I'm hoping for another 65, just as good. Well, better, actually. There's a lot of dissatisfaction in my life. A quick emergency has made me think, Perhaps it's time to do... something. To attempt some of the things that I have not done too well so far. Or, more likely, I'll just carry on. Enjoying most, accepting (while denying) any areas where I feel I could do better.

Another 65 could be a bit optimistic. I'll take as much as I can. If I take more than is reasonable -- and am clearly non compos mentis -- just lock me away in a comfortable room. With a book or a PC or a TV. Or a pleasant view. Whatever.

Of the 65, I've been married to Deb for more than forty years. That's a 40 that I would really like to continue! I've been very, very lucky. And happy. I know that I'm a worry... Sorry! I hope you can put up with me for another 40 :-) And please let me know when I'm a nuisance. Not that I'll change. But I do like to know.

Now I'll re-read what I've typed. See if I really want to post it :-) Already, I feel better for having put it all down. And it smells as though breakfast is nearby.

So all is good here. I hope all is good with you. Whoever you are, dear reader :-)

Many more words are sure to follow.

====
Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper
Agamedes Consulting / Problems? Solved.
====

"We must learn from our past mistakes so that we can improve our new mistakes" … per Ginger Meggs